In the Search for Baby McDowell: Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokennes...

In the Search for Baby McDowell: Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokennes...: So the day came, the day that all adopting couples and families don’t want to see it come, perhaps the biggest FEAR of adoption, a “a fai...

Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokenness of Adoption

So the day came, the day that all adopting couples and families don’t want to see it come, perhaps the biggest FEAR of adoption, a “a failed adoption.” As we sit here with our hearts broken, our dreams shattered, and an empty nursery we wonder why, how, when did this happen. Why would the birthmom wait so long to decide this, why make it all so okay looking and sounding throughout the whole pregnancy to turn around and quit only a week before her due date. She decided to parent, why? We don’t know, we feel used, taken advantage of, lied to, but know there’s more to that then what we think. This system is so broken (the adoption one) and something needs to be fixed, for the families that give all (monetarily, and all) towards a dream to become parents. And there is nothing to protect us against this, against them changing their minds and us losing what we spent, paid, and leave us so very broken in every, and our families who also had hopes of becoming aunts and uncles, grandma and grandpa, all so very broken.

People said this would hurt, we knew it was a possibility, but we were so confident that God was in all of this, AND HE STILL IS, but nothing can really prepare you for such pain, and loss. So we grief the loss of this adoption, we grief the loss of the many dreams we had for this little baby that was going to be ours, we grief, but not without believing that something good, something beautiful has to come out of this pain- Out of this storm-

God promises good things, God promises that he will finish the race with us and for us, but he never says it will be easy and pain free. He tells us there will be sufferings, there will be hurt, there will be tears, but the comfort to know that HE IS ALWAYS WITH US, he is suffering with us because he loves us so much.

We began to question every move we made, every decision we took thinking it was the right one, was it wrong to have baby showers?-- was it wrong to have a nursery beyond ready for this perfectly chosen baby girl? We walk by a shut door that is just next to our bedroom all day, we try to ignore its existence because the thought of not hearing a baby’s cry come from it hurts deeper & deeper, like someone is stabbing a knife if your stomach and twists it every time we see something that was meant to be hers. Today we were supposed to pack up and prepare to take a 17 hours trip to wait for our baby, instead I’m here writing this, and Jason works… this is not supposed to be this way, but it is, and we will understand why one day.

I saw once that you cannot go through adoption without experiencing loss…. Well here we are…. Would the tears stop?... yes- (I hope)… But we know that we cannot do this alone, and so does God and he knew we would need people around us, to comfort us, to remind us of His plans that are farther greater then ours, to remind us that He loves us, to remind us of His word, to lift us up, to give us hope when we are running on empty. He placed wonderful godly people in our life I believe for this very moment and the ones I’m sure are to come.

---And we are so thankful for each and every one of them—

So what’s next? I ask myself, and this is perhaps is my way of grieving and dealing with things, I need to move on, and NO we are not giving up, not on God, not on Adoption, not on becoming a family.

We will continue to look for our baby, the one that is meant to be ours, we will continue to be each others rock, and we will continue to trust that God will provide somehow. Most importantly we will continue to have HOPE, to have FAITH, to BELIEVE in God. 

He always makes something beautiful of a mess, out of pain, out of hurt. He won’t forsake us, he wont leave us broken.

We will perhaps never forget this little girl that filled our hearts (and all of our friends and families hearts) of dreams and hopes. We will pray for her and her life, but will continue to pray for our little one, and pray that she may be home sooner than later to fill this big whole we have in our hearts and arms that so dearly loves her, and wait for her.

It is with a broken heart that I write this, because I want those who have been following our journey to know what goes on when we get quiet and distant, when the questions come,- when is she coming? is she home yet?.

Forgive us if we are distant, if we aren’t responding, we need your prayers (our whole family does).

God uses pain to make us stronger, it stretches our faith, it draws us closer to Him, the one who is in control of it all.

Laura-

Bible Verses that have helped us during this time

Romans 8:28

Hebrews 11:7

Mark 11:22-23

Psalm 38:15

Psalm 27:14

Isaiah 49:16

Isaiah 55:8

In the Search for Baby McDowell: From the heart and life of an almost adoptive moth...

In the Search for Baby McDowell: From the heart and life of an almost adoptive moth...: Hi Friends and family, It has been some time now since I have blogged about our adoption and lately many thoughts have crossed my mind ...

From the heart and life of an almost adoptive mother-

Hi Friends and family,

It has been some time now since I have blogged about our adoption and lately many thoughts have crossed my mind and thought I could share them with you.

A lot yet not much has happened since the last post, we are still here at home waiting with our arms and home more than ready to welcome our baby home. Yet so much has changed within us to help us prepare for her. Many people have asked me a series of questions not just about adoption in general but about our particular situation and I would like to share them with you. I do so In hopes that someone out there is wondering the same and does not have anybody to go to for answers.

Her Room- ready for Her

Best question that got my mind racing was: since I am “clearly not carrying our baby inside of me” how do we prepare for her? Well you see, even if I am not pregnant and going to doctor visits every so often it does not mean that I cannot do the same things a pregnant woman can.  I pray for our baby every second of my awaken days, and dream of her at nights, I worry (like any pregnant mother would) for her health, well being, safety, every second but take that worry and leave at the cross, leave to Jesus to carry it for me, to take care of it all. All of us women worry times 100, for everything that goes on in our lives, but through our adoption I have learned how much is in my control, which is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I tell God my plans, and dreams, and He replies with – trust in MY plans- is something I try every day. And because I trust Him, I get up everyday not knowing what our birthmother is doing, if she’s okay or not, if she’s still pregnant or not, if she has gone to the doctor or not, if she still wants to go through the adoption or not, if the baby is whole and healthy, but instead of worrying myself to death I CHOSE to trust in The Lord wholeheartedly and with my whole mind. Is it easy? NEVER, but He tells us to, and I believe in His word, and in His love not just for me but for all of us.

So to better answer the question, well, our baby girl already has a dreamy room, ready for her to sleep soundly in it, to cry, to live in when the Lord decides is time for her to come home to us. We go to pediatricians office to find the one, I search and search for the perfect formula for this perfect baby that I have not met yet, because I already love her so much and want nothing but the best for her. so we pray for her, for the birthmom everyday, and we rejoice of hope and excitement like any pregnant mother would on the coming of the dreamt of baby. We joke about it been our last weeks of full nights of sleep, coming and going as we please, having the bed just for us, but who are we joking when you want a baby for so long and so much all of the so called"bad things" seem so insignificant. 

Which leads me to another comment... are you ready? to be parents? you're life will never be the same, you won't sleep and worn be able to do anything "FUN." well... this is hard to explain to everyone because not everyone has walked in our shoes and know the true desires of our hearts, we are as ready as we could be to become parents, we know there will be sleepless nights, running to the doctor in the middle of the night (hopefully not so much of this), leaving gatherings because of the baby, not being able to go places, but this is all so not insignificant when you think of the beautiful creation of a human being in your arms, in your care, to love and care for as long as you hope to be able to, the greatest blessing. I believe that giving your life to another being is further greater than sleep, gatherings, and the rest of the so called "fun." The fun is just about to begin- in my opinion!! and I cannot wait for it..

People ask us also constantly, well have you heard from her? yes, we are so blessed to have found someone hat we are able to stay in touch with every so often and get updates on her health and the growing milestones of the baby. But yet there are times that the days go by then its weeks and we hear NOTHING. My best explanation of this feeling is, sitting in a dark room, with no windows, all by yourself, waiting and waiting to hear something, whatever that may be, but something.  But on those days, Jason is my constant reminder when I fall short of Gods word, to continue to trust Him, that she is okay and that THIS is HIS plan not ours. He called us to adopt, He found this birthmother, and he has done it all.

And last yet the hardest question, can she still change her mind? ABSOLUTELY, every day that goes by she can, ever minute she has the choice, but we decided that this possibility wont stop us from enjoying this time of preparation to become parents in our life.  This is yet another reminder that so little is in our hands that we must trust without seeing, that we must have FAITH, because if we don’t, we have nothing. So instead of sitting around worrying about the worst case scenario we praise God for what will happen, so we picked her name, we enjoy painting her nursery, picking out furniture for her, tiny bitty pieces of clothes, even had a baby shower by our sweet friend and my sister. It is so true that a baby brings so much joy into your life, even before they arrive.  This baby girl is so loved, so wanted and hoped for that I know God has nothing but the most extraordinary plans for her and her life.

We want people to feel encouraged by our blog, to know that God is not just in all of it, that HE is walking along side with you, in the joy and the struggle. And remember always HIS footprints, whenever you only see yours in the sand, remember that He didn’t leave you, the burden and walk was too hard that He picked you up on His arms and carried you.

We are only a month away from her due date, and will remain hopeful and joyful with her arrival. We pray that for all of those other couples who dream of becoming parents and are struggling with infertility like we did, we pray for those who are hoping to adopt like we still are, and for those who will consider it one day. The journey has not been easy, God doesn’t promise that it will, but He sure does promise that it will be worth it.

Much love, hope, and excitement!

Laura- a mommy to be :)

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