On Fathers Day....

On Fathers day

As I spent sometime this week preparing for today, I reflected on the many faces of this day, the faces of grief, joy, pain, and emptiness that this day brings to many. We often overlook what it really means for those who are experiencing the painful faces of fathers’ day, and we shouldn’t. I am blessed to have my dad with me only a few minutes car drive away from my house, who is alive and healthy and who has a relationship with God (so very thankful for him giving his life to the Lord), or my husband who’s dad is only a few hours away, but also alive and a strong follower of Christ. But what about those wake today with great heaviness on their heart, remembering their father who passed away, or left. Or those who never got the chance to meet their father, or whose father never cared to have a relationship with them. Or those who chose to be away from their father because regardless of their presence they were not the father they were supposed to be and caused them a lot of pain and suffering. And lastly, (this is for my sweet husband Jason who I know felt this today more than ever) who so dearly want to become fathers, who dream of playing catch, or simply, who really do dream of sleepless nights with a baby by their side to call their own.

Today is particularly painful for us, we (according to what we thought was our plan and Gods plan) were supposed to be celebrating his first fathers’ day, but we aren’t. Yet I still choose to celebrate my husband, and if you are going through something similar to us you should too. Again, this is only my opinion, but in my heart Jason and all of the fathers who want to be fathers, and prepare to be one, are just wonderful fathers than any. In my heart he already is a wonderful loving father, to a child we will one day get to call ours, regardless of this child looks, gender, or origin, he will love this little one as his own and be the best father one could ask for; and in my eyes this disserves celebrating. Because the pain that he has right now, the sadness, is just due to the great love he already has for this child that he cannot wait to love, that we know and believe will be with us soon.

I have heard through the years people’s stories about their upbringing, and their daddy issues, (it seems that we all have some rooted deep in our past and life) and the big effect that it had in their life, and my own as well. But during a mission trip I had the opportunity to be part of I learned the following and hope you can take some from it. Regardless of how wonderful or bad or fathers were or are, they are not meant to be perfect, nor to please us. There is only one Father that our hearts so deeply need, a Father that knows us completely and accept us with our many flaws, a Father that created us so perfectly, a Father that DOES understand our every need and desire, a Father that sent His Son to pay the ultimate prize so that we could be adopted into His family.

If you on the other hand have anger towards your father, and blame him for many things that went wrong in your life, I encourage you to forgive him (he was never supposed to be perfect), and instead focus on your heavenly father, who will not disappoint you, leave you or forsake you!

Jason and his dad

---I don’t know you but knowing that the creator of the universe, and everything that is in it loves me like no other never ceases to amaze me.--- And know that Jason even though he has a wonderful father here on earth, also looks up to his father in heaven for guidance, love and understanding, and so can you and I. what better example to follow than the one that He has laid out for us through scripture? What greater love to show to our children then the Heavenly Fathers love?

Wherever you fit in this description with your father today, know that our heavenly Father, our “Abba”, our Daddy, loves you so completely, so entirely and wants a deep and close relationship with you. I never experienced such true love until I found Him.

My dad and sister Maria

I hope you can join me today and pray for those who have lost their children, and this day brings suffering, for those who have lost their father and miss them so much, And those who hurt a strange sense of loss for the child you haven’t lost but cant have, NEVER lose Hope…

To all of those who don’t have a father to call their own, look up to the one in heaven who already knows you and loves you so very much!

So to all of the daddy’s on the world, Happy fathers day, to all the daddy’s at heart (you my love) Happy Fathers day to be J.

And my earthly daddy- Feliz Dia del Padre!!!

Much Love on this day and every day,

Laura

Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokenness of Adoption

So the day came, the day that all adopting couples and families don’t want to see it come, perhaps the biggest FEAR of adoption, a “a failed adoption.” As we sit here with our hearts broken, our dreams shattered, and an empty nursery we wonder why, how, when did this happen. Why would the birthmom wait so long to decide this, why make it all so okay looking and sounding throughout the whole pregnancy to turn around and quit only a week before her due date. She decided to parent, why? We don’t know, we feel used, taken advantage of, lied to, but know there’s more to that then what we think. This system is so broken (the adoption one) and something needs to be fixed, for the families that give all (monetarily, and all) towards a dream to become parents. And there is nothing to protect us against this, against them changing their minds and us losing what we spent, paid, and leave us so very broken in every, and our families who also had hopes of becoming aunts and uncles, grandma and grandpa, all so very broken.

People said this would hurt, we knew it was a possibility, but we were so confident that God was in all of this, AND HE STILL IS, but nothing can really prepare you for such pain, and loss. So we grief the loss of this adoption, we grief the loss of the many dreams we had for this little baby that was going to be ours, we grief, but not without believing that something good, something beautiful has to come out of this pain- Out of this storm-

God promises good things, God promises that he will finish the race with us and for us, but he never says it will be easy and pain free. He tells us there will be sufferings, there will be hurt, there will be tears, but the comfort to know that HE IS ALWAYS WITH US, he is suffering with us because he loves us so much.

We began to question every move we made, every decision we took thinking it was the right one, was it wrong to have baby showers?-- was it wrong to have a nursery beyond ready for this perfectly chosen baby girl? We walk by a shut door that is just next to our bedroom all day, we try to ignore its existence because the thought of not hearing a baby’s cry come from it hurts deeper & deeper, like someone is stabbing a knife if your stomach and twists it every time we see something that was meant to be hers. Today we were supposed to pack up and prepare to take a 17 hours trip to wait for our baby, instead I’m here writing this, and Jason works… this is not supposed to be this way, but it is, and we will understand why one day.

I saw once that you cannot go through adoption without experiencing loss…. Well here we are…. Would the tears stop?... yes- (I hope)… But we know that we cannot do this alone, and so does God and he knew we would need people around us, to comfort us, to remind us of His plans that are farther greater then ours, to remind us that He loves us, to remind us of His word, to lift us up, to give us hope when we are running on empty. He placed wonderful godly people in our life I believe for this very moment and the ones I’m sure are to come.

---And we are so thankful for each and every one of them—

So what’s next? I ask myself, and this is perhaps is my way of grieving and dealing with things, I need to move on, and NO we are not giving up, not on God, not on Adoption, not on becoming a family.

We will continue to look for our baby, the one that is meant to be ours, we will continue to be each others rock, and we will continue to trust that God will provide somehow. Most importantly we will continue to have HOPE, to have FAITH, to BELIEVE in God. 

He always makes something beautiful of a mess, out of pain, out of hurt. He won’t forsake us, he wont leave us broken.

We will perhaps never forget this little girl that filled our hearts (and all of our friends and families hearts) of dreams and hopes. We will pray for her and her life, but will continue to pray for our little one, and pray that she may be home sooner than later to fill this big whole we have in our hearts and arms that so dearly loves her, and wait for her.

It is with a broken heart that I write this, because I want those who have been following our journey to know what goes on when we get quiet and distant, when the questions come,- when is she coming? is she home yet?.

Forgive us if we are distant, if we aren’t responding, we need your prayers (our whole family does).

God uses pain to make us stronger, it stretches our faith, it draws us closer to Him, the one who is in control of it all.

Laura-

Bible Verses that have helped us during this time

Romans 8:28

Hebrews 11:7

Mark 11:22-23

Psalm 38:15

Psalm 27:14

Isaiah 49:16

Isaiah 55:8