On Fathers Day....

On Fathers day

As I spent sometime this week preparing for today, I reflected on the many faces of this day, the faces of grief, joy, pain, and emptiness that this day brings to many. We often overlook what it really means for those who are experiencing the painful faces of fathers’ day, and we shouldn’t. I am blessed to have my dad with me only a few minutes car drive away from my house, who is alive and healthy and who has a relationship with God (so very thankful for him giving his life to the Lord), or my husband who’s dad is only a few hours away, but also alive and a strong follower of Christ. But what about those wake today with great heaviness on their heart, remembering their father who passed away, or left. Or those who never got the chance to meet their father, or whose father never cared to have a relationship with them. Or those who chose to be away from their father because regardless of their presence they were not the father they were supposed to be and caused them a lot of pain and suffering. And lastly, (this is for my sweet husband Jason who I know felt this today more than ever) who so dearly want to become fathers, who dream of playing catch, or simply, who really do dream of sleepless nights with a baby by their side to call their own.

Today is particularly painful for us, we (according to what we thought was our plan and Gods plan) were supposed to be celebrating his first fathers’ day, but we aren’t. Yet I still choose to celebrate my husband, and if you are going through something similar to us you should too. Again, this is only my opinion, but in my heart Jason and all of the fathers who want to be fathers, and prepare to be one, are just wonderful fathers than any. In my heart he already is a wonderful loving father, to a child we will one day get to call ours, regardless of this child looks, gender, or origin, he will love this little one as his own and be the best father one could ask for; and in my eyes this disserves celebrating. Because the pain that he has right now, the sadness, is just due to the great love he already has for this child that he cannot wait to love, that we know and believe will be with us soon.

I have heard through the years people’s stories about their upbringing, and their daddy issues, (it seems that we all have some rooted deep in our past and life) and the big effect that it had in their life, and my own as well. But during a mission trip I had the opportunity to be part of I learned the following and hope you can take some from it. Regardless of how wonderful or bad or fathers were or are, they are not meant to be perfect, nor to please us. There is only one Father that our hearts so deeply need, a Father that knows us completely and accept us with our many flaws, a Father that created us so perfectly, a Father that DOES understand our every need and desire, a Father that sent His Son to pay the ultimate prize so that we could be adopted into His family.

If you on the other hand have anger towards your father, and blame him for many things that went wrong in your life, I encourage you to forgive him (he was never supposed to be perfect), and instead focus on your heavenly father, who will not disappoint you, leave you or forsake you!

Jason and his dad

---I don’t know you but knowing that the creator of the universe, and everything that is in it loves me like no other never ceases to amaze me.--- And know that Jason even though he has a wonderful father here on earth, also looks up to his father in heaven for guidance, love and understanding, and so can you and I. what better example to follow than the one that He has laid out for us through scripture? What greater love to show to our children then the Heavenly Fathers love?

Wherever you fit in this description with your father today, know that our heavenly Father, our “Abba”, our Daddy, loves you so completely, so entirely and wants a deep and close relationship with you. I never experienced such true love until I found Him.

My dad and sister Maria

I hope you can join me today and pray for those who have lost their children, and this day brings suffering, for those who have lost their father and miss them so much, And those who hurt a strange sense of loss for the child you haven’t lost but cant have, NEVER lose Hope…

To all of those who don’t have a father to call their own, look up to the one in heaven who already knows you and loves you so very much!

So to all of the daddy’s on the world, Happy fathers day, to all the daddy’s at heart (you my love) Happy Fathers day to be J.

And my earthly daddy- Feliz Dia del Padre!!!

Much Love on this day and every day,

Laura

Soo.. Whats Next??? {In Our Hopes to Adopt}

So. What’s Next?

Lauras Graduation From
 Nursing School

It has been almost a month since we received the sad news, not a day goes by that we don’t think about it, about her. What did she name her? What does she look like? Is she healthy? So many questions that at end it makes no difference, but makes us hurt a whole more inside. It has been very difficult these past few weeks, given that I took off so that I could be home with her. I am now home with a whole lot of nothing to do, and without her.

Through it all we continue to have FAITH, and know that even though it seemed like she was meant to be our daughter, she’s not, and that God has chosen the perfect child for us. He or she is not here yet but one day (hopefully soon) we will be head over heels over this little one, and we will be able to look back with peace and reassurance at this very difficult time of our life knowing that God knew what He was doing.

SO what do we do now? We GET UP, we brush the dust of our clothes, and get keep walking, we keep going. I cannot thank those around us enough, for your cards, your words of love and encouragement, your texts messages, your calls, your company, your thoughts, prayers, and hugs. They mean so much more than you could ever imagine. --I was reading a book the other day, and something the author said was so very truth, when we focus on the bigger miracles or life, we sometimes forget the whispers of God of encouragement, and his presence. He may not have sent an angel to knock on our door with a shiny face to tell us that HE loves us and that everything is going to work our for His glory (even though I would really like Him to do so). But he sent His promise through the words of our friends and loved ones, you are the vessels of His message and Love for us, thank you.

We didn’t only suffered an emotional turmoil, but it also affected us greatly financially since we paid a very large amount for her living expenses that we cannot get back, and because of this and everything else we struggle to forgive her, but want to, and pray that one day we would be able to.

 {Now we do it ALL OVER AGAIN} and we will not give up on this desire and dream that we have to be parents.

I mentioned in a previews post that there is always loss in adoption, either a birthmother looses her child because of her selfless love, to give this child opportunities of a home, and future that she could not give herself. Or a couple, like us, when the birthmother decides to parent, either way someone always looses. It does not make it easier but when we think of the hearts of all of those involved, there is so much love in adoption, so much that I cannot comprehend, only God can, after all he adopted us as his children knowing our sinful nature.

Someone gave me this crazy idea, “why don’t you just ask people to repost your blog and adoption Facebook page, or share it, maybe someone out there may know someone that knows someone that wants to place their baby for adoption” …. Is it crazy? Maybe..… But after all God truly does work in VERY mysterious ways, so why not give it a shot. If you feel led to after reading our blog, share our Facebook page __ The McDowell’s Journey to Adoption,” or our blog to others on social media. It has work for some, maybe it will for us, or not… We don’t know, but everything is worth a shot.

+1, or 2

As for us right now, we started looking at other cases (birth moms and their scenarios, and the baby’s due date, gender, etc), if we feel led to after praying we send our profile book (Books we had made a while back when we started the process where its basically a summary of pictures and pages of our life), then the birthmom looks at different books and selects a couple. We have not been selected yet, but remain hopeful yet more cautious this time around.

I want to encourage you today, in whatever you may be going through, loss, grief, new diagnosis, infertility, discouragement, hardships, etc. Know that Jesus understands you because He has been there, know that He is ALWAYS with you, he is walking along your side, and HE will not leave you, and He will give you strength when you have none left, He will lift you up when you fall, and he will be your friend in your time of need. Like He has been for us.

Please continue to pray for us, for protection, for wisdom, and peace.

We thank you, ALWAYS, for your support and love.

PS: my email address is lauraquintana89@gmail.com

If you read this and know someone that knows someone.

Love,

Laura

He's Truly my Rock .. I love you 

In the Midst of Grief and Loss

May 31

It’s Sunday afternoon, and today I say goodbye to a very painful month, full of loss, of grieving, and tears. Not only did we suffered an adoption loss, or simply the loss of a baby we though God was giving to us while on this earth, but we also had loss in our Church Family. This terribly sad story made news I could freely say worldwide, a tragic accident that took the lives of two beautiful boys Dobbs and Reed. Though I never met the family in person I am part of a family they belong to “The Forest Hill Church Family,” and as scripture says, when one part of the body hurt so does the whole body. So as the body of Christ called Forest Hill, we all hurt for their loss, but also celebrate their homecoming to heaven to be with Jesus for eternity, and pray for their parents daily and faithfully to be covered with the Grace and love only God can give, and to somehow not let their deaths go in vein. Today a service was held for them, and I saw videos of this little boy, full of life and joy and heard his father speak of him with such love, and admiration towards his son that waits for him in heaven, and couldn’t help myself to think...

-- I want to be like him, like Dobbs, singing to Jesus as loud as I can and dance for him as I feel He deserves, to live life with such faith, that of a child, to believe that anything can happen and that God can truly do ANYTHING. To be FEARLESS because fear isn’t of God, to be COURAGEOUS and forgiving, like a child is, and to live life to its fullest each and everyday. Today I decided I will try and live my life like little Dobbs did, to lift up his faithful parents in prayer each and every day, because in the midst of such pain and suffering they never for one moment doubted in Jesus, and in His love, nor did they forget of his goodness. As Pastor David Chadwick said, “God is NOT the author of EVIL, evil was introduced into the world, and because of evil we suffer, and our body groans.”

It ‘s hard to think about our loss when a family just suffered this incomprehensible loss, but I have come to learn about God’s character and love, and about grieving more this week then I ever did in my life.

We have our friends and family to thank for your constant reminders of who God is, for your prayers, your thoughts, and for your presence. We have felt your prayers, love, and support during this difficult time in our life. We continue to thank God for his mercies and grace, for his constant protection, which many times is His rejection, for his endless love, and for his very PERFECT plan.

We have decided to let him be the author of our life, of our story, a story that is just beginning to be written. And like in every story that has ever been told, there will be tears, some of joy and some of pain, but as long as it is written by Him, I am honored to be part of it.

Never for a minute doubt in God and in His love, He sent His Son Jesus to this world, in human flesh, a man like you and I, so that He could live a righteous life, to then die on the cross, to grant us a place with Him in eternity----There is no greater love then this, that He would give His life for me, for us---

So I will continue to trust in Him like a child would, and be Still and hear His voice, to learn to follow it, even when the world around me falls apart, and the waves keep crashing on me, and the room is dark. He will give guide my footsteps in the darkness, he will be the rock in which I will lean on, and he will bring me out of the storms.

And He will fulfill His promise and give us the child that we so much pray for and love, because HE IS FAITHFUL, AND GOOD.

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth”

-Praying for the Eddings Family-

Laura   

In the Search for Baby McDowell: Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokennes...

In the Search for Baby McDowell: Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokennes...: So the day came, the day that all adopting couples and families don’t want to see it come, perhaps the biggest FEAR of adoption, a “a fai...

Trying to Make sense of it all... of the brokenness of Adoption

So the day came, the day that all adopting couples and families don’t want to see it come, perhaps the biggest FEAR of adoption, a “a failed adoption.” As we sit here with our hearts broken, our dreams shattered, and an empty nursery we wonder why, how, when did this happen. Why would the birthmom wait so long to decide this, why make it all so okay looking and sounding throughout the whole pregnancy to turn around and quit only a week before her due date. She decided to parent, why? We don’t know, we feel used, taken advantage of, lied to, but know there’s more to that then what we think. This system is so broken (the adoption one) and something needs to be fixed, for the families that give all (monetarily, and all) towards a dream to become parents. And there is nothing to protect us against this, against them changing their minds and us losing what we spent, paid, and leave us so very broken in every, and our families who also had hopes of becoming aunts and uncles, grandma and grandpa, all so very broken.

People said this would hurt, we knew it was a possibility, but we were so confident that God was in all of this, AND HE STILL IS, but nothing can really prepare you for such pain, and loss. So we grief the loss of this adoption, we grief the loss of the many dreams we had for this little baby that was going to be ours, we grief, but not without believing that something good, something beautiful has to come out of this pain- Out of this storm-

God promises good things, God promises that he will finish the race with us and for us, but he never says it will be easy and pain free. He tells us there will be sufferings, there will be hurt, there will be tears, but the comfort to know that HE IS ALWAYS WITH US, he is suffering with us because he loves us so much.

We began to question every move we made, every decision we took thinking it was the right one, was it wrong to have baby showers?-- was it wrong to have a nursery beyond ready for this perfectly chosen baby girl? We walk by a shut door that is just next to our bedroom all day, we try to ignore its existence because the thought of not hearing a baby’s cry come from it hurts deeper & deeper, like someone is stabbing a knife if your stomach and twists it every time we see something that was meant to be hers. Today we were supposed to pack up and prepare to take a 17 hours trip to wait for our baby, instead I’m here writing this, and Jason works… this is not supposed to be this way, but it is, and we will understand why one day.

I saw once that you cannot go through adoption without experiencing loss…. Well here we are…. Would the tears stop?... yes- (I hope)… But we know that we cannot do this alone, and so does God and he knew we would need people around us, to comfort us, to remind us of His plans that are farther greater then ours, to remind us that He loves us, to remind us of His word, to lift us up, to give us hope when we are running on empty. He placed wonderful godly people in our life I believe for this very moment and the ones I’m sure are to come.

---And we are so thankful for each and every one of them—

So what’s next? I ask myself, and this is perhaps is my way of grieving and dealing with things, I need to move on, and NO we are not giving up, not on God, not on Adoption, not on becoming a family.

We will continue to look for our baby, the one that is meant to be ours, we will continue to be each others rock, and we will continue to trust that God will provide somehow. Most importantly we will continue to have HOPE, to have FAITH, to BELIEVE in God. 

He always makes something beautiful of a mess, out of pain, out of hurt. He won’t forsake us, he wont leave us broken.

We will perhaps never forget this little girl that filled our hearts (and all of our friends and families hearts) of dreams and hopes. We will pray for her and her life, but will continue to pray for our little one, and pray that she may be home sooner than later to fill this big whole we have in our hearts and arms that so dearly loves her, and wait for her.

It is with a broken heart that I write this, because I want those who have been following our journey to know what goes on when we get quiet and distant, when the questions come,- when is she coming? is she home yet?.

Forgive us if we are distant, if we aren’t responding, we need your prayers (our whole family does).

God uses pain to make us stronger, it stretches our faith, it draws us closer to Him, the one who is in control of it all.

Laura-

Bible Verses that have helped us during this time

Romans 8:28

Hebrews 11:7

Mark 11:22-23

Psalm 38:15

Psalm 27:14

Isaiah 49:16

Isaiah 55:8

In the Search for Baby McDowell: From the heart and life of an almost adoptive moth...

In the Search for Baby McDowell: From the heart and life of an almost adoptive moth...: Hi Friends and family, It has been some time now since I have blogged about our adoption and lately many thoughts have crossed my mind ...

From the heart and life of an almost adoptive mother-

Hi Friends and family,

It has been some time now since I have blogged about our adoption and lately many thoughts have crossed my mind and thought I could share them with you.

A lot yet not much has happened since the last post, we are still here at home waiting with our arms and home more than ready to welcome our baby home. Yet so much has changed within us to help us prepare for her. Many people have asked me a series of questions not just about adoption in general but about our particular situation and I would like to share them with you. I do so In hopes that someone out there is wondering the same and does not have anybody to go to for answers.

Her Room- ready for Her

Best question that got my mind racing was: since I am “clearly not carrying our baby inside of me” how do we prepare for her? Well you see, even if I am not pregnant and going to doctor visits every so often it does not mean that I cannot do the same things a pregnant woman can.  I pray for our baby every second of my awaken days, and dream of her at nights, I worry (like any pregnant mother would) for her health, well being, safety, every second but take that worry and leave at the cross, leave to Jesus to carry it for me, to take care of it all. All of us women worry times 100, for everything that goes on in our lives, but through our adoption I have learned how much is in my control, which is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I tell God my plans, and dreams, and He replies with – trust in MY plans- is something I try every day. And because I trust Him, I get up everyday not knowing what our birthmother is doing, if she’s okay or not, if she’s still pregnant or not, if she has gone to the doctor or not, if she still wants to go through the adoption or not, if the baby is whole and healthy, but instead of worrying myself to death I CHOSE to trust in The Lord wholeheartedly and with my whole mind. Is it easy? NEVER, but He tells us to, and I believe in His word, and in His love not just for me but for all of us.

So to better answer the question, well, our baby girl already has a dreamy room, ready for her to sleep soundly in it, to cry, to live in when the Lord decides is time for her to come home to us. We go to pediatricians office to find the one, I search and search for the perfect formula for this perfect baby that I have not met yet, because I already love her so much and want nothing but the best for her. so we pray for her, for the birthmom everyday, and we rejoice of hope and excitement like any pregnant mother would on the coming of the dreamt of baby. We joke about it been our last weeks of full nights of sleep, coming and going as we please, having the bed just for us, but who are we joking when you want a baby for so long and so much all of the so called"bad things" seem so insignificant. 

Which leads me to another comment... are you ready? to be parents? you're life will never be the same, you won't sleep and worn be able to do anything "FUN." well... this is hard to explain to everyone because not everyone has walked in our shoes and know the true desires of our hearts, we are as ready as we could be to become parents, we know there will be sleepless nights, running to the doctor in the middle of the night (hopefully not so much of this), leaving gatherings because of the baby, not being able to go places, but this is all so not insignificant when you think of the beautiful creation of a human being in your arms, in your care, to love and care for as long as you hope to be able to, the greatest blessing. I believe that giving your life to another being is further greater than sleep, gatherings, and the rest of the so called "fun." The fun is just about to begin- in my opinion!! and I cannot wait for it..

People ask us also constantly, well have you heard from her? yes, we are so blessed to have found someone hat we are able to stay in touch with every so often and get updates on her health and the growing milestones of the baby. But yet there are times that the days go by then its weeks and we hear NOTHING. My best explanation of this feeling is, sitting in a dark room, with no windows, all by yourself, waiting and waiting to hear something, whatever that may be, but something.  But on those days, Jason is my constant reminder when I fall short of Gods word, to continue to trust Him, that she is okay and that THIS is HIS plan not ours. He called us to adopt, He found this birthmother, and he has done it all.

And last yet the hardest question, can she still change her mind? ABSOLUTELY, every day that goes by she can, ever minute she has the choice, but we decided that this possibility wont stop us from enjoying this time of preparation to become parents in our life.  This is yet another reminder that so little is in our hands that we must trust without seeing, that we must have FAITH, because if we don’t, we have nothing. So instead of sitting around worrying about the worst case scenario we praise God for what will happen, so we picked her name, we enjoy painting her nursery, picking out furniture for her, tiny bitty pieces of clothes, even had a baby shower by our sweet friend and my sister. It is so true that a baby brings so much joy into your life, even before they arrive.  This baby girl is so loved, so wanted and hoped for that I know God has nothing but the most extraordinary plans for her and her life.

We want people to feel encouraged by our blog, to know that God is not just in all of it, that HE is walking along side with you, in the joy and the struggle. And remember always HIS footprints, whenever you only see yours in the sand, remember that He didn’t leave you, the burden and walk was too hard that He picked you up on His arms and carried you.

We are only a month away from her due date, and will remain hopeful and joyful with her arrival. We pray that for all of those other couples who dream of becoming parents and are struggling with infertility like we did, we pray for those who are hoping to adopt like we still are, and for those who will consider it one day. The journey has not been easy, God doesn’t promise that it will, but He sure does promise that it will be worth it.

Much love, hope, and excitement!

Laura- a mommy to be :)