Monday, October 15, 2012

Our Dreams crushed.. October 15, 2012

This may be lengthy but it’s the reason behind our blog.
Fast forward 5 months >>>> of ‘trying’, For those who have gone through this know how it all is and can relate: basal temperature, a thousand pee sticks, the ‘right’ time of the cycle, this day and the next, you have 72 hours!! Its stressful and consuming, it makes you angry and grow apart, its not fun for sure to then have another disappointment, on that time of the month, (maybe too graphic if you haven’t gone through it) but its nothing but the truth. We did it all, until breaking point. Everyone will tell us, DON’T STRESS OUT THEN IT WILL HAPPEN, but you don’t want to hear that. So we went to the specialist highly recommended and started numerous tests on Laura first… a couple thousand dollars later in medical diagnostic bills, everything was perfectly normal. Then they tested Jason, and there it was one small fee and a couple of days later we had the answer we DID NOT WANT TO HEAR.
We went in to get our results on our 1-year anniversary with the hope that it was going to be great news, and everything was fine with both of us and it was just going to take time. But to crush our dreams and hopes of a baby we found out that we are infertile and completely unable to conceive without extensive medical uncertain interventions. It was heart breaking for the two us, my desires to be a mother were crushed, and Jason could have never imagined this was happening to him.
Jason has always exceeded in every aspect of his life, academics, sports, looks J, and a happy marriage, but this, the one thing that many say: ‘it’s the easiest thing a man can do, and it even happens without trying’ he couldn’t do. We were diagnosed with Azoospermia an unexplained condition where the man does not produce sperm. There it was an unexplained condition, and the anger and frustration began.
We were angry at God, at life, and wondered what we ever did to deserve this, if it was some sort of punishment, and even looked at others wondering how they could have babies when they didn’t want them, when we wanted one so badly but couldn’t.
We were in the midst of a storm that we saw no way out, we couldn’t tell our friends because we didn’t know what they would think, we were embarrassed, we told our families to keep it to themselves, and there we were with our hearts broken grieving for the loss of someone we never even met, our child.
But that night, the same day we found out were couldn’t be parents naturally, Jason came home with the most beautiful sunflowers (my favorite) and we held each other, in a way I would never forget and cried because then we knew we had each other no matter what. We were standing there facing the vows we made exactly a year ago, in illness and health, we will stay together, because we knew God has a plan for us, something greater than we could ever imagine.

For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare, and not for evil, to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you” Jeremiah 29:11-12